How to talk to someone who experiences a tragedy or serious illness

Friends and family member often struggle when their loved one is experiencing a tragedy or receives a tough medical diagnosis. They want to help, but are not sure what to do. They want to offer words of support, but don’t know what to say. They want to call, but are afraid to be a bother. They worry about saying the wrong thing, doing too much or not doing enough.  

So here are a few Do’s and Don’ts to help you be helpful in life’s difficult moments:

Don’ts

• Don’t treat the person like a victim. This makes them feel even more like one.
• Don’t ask them about their mood. This implies an expectation of them being in a bad mood and struggling when they may be managing well.
• Don’t try to “solve” their problem. Don’t tell them that things will turn out ok or that they will “adjust”. It is not in your power to make this happen and only serves to minimize their problem or invalidate their feelings.
• Don’t avoid calling because you think you may “disturb” them. If they do not feel like talking, they will not pick up your call. If your calls go unanswered, keep calling.  The call itself lets them know you care.  
• Don’t be afraid to accidentally “remind” them of their tragedy. They did not forget.
• Don’t say “call me if you need anything.” Many will not.  If you want to help, ask what would be helpful.  

Do’s

• Communicate, whether by call, text, or email! Lack of communication from others makes people feel alone in their grief.
• Ask open ended questions and give them an opportunity to talk.
• Talk to them the way you always do. Do you usually ask what they are up to? Ask. What’s for lunch, what they are watching or listening to, stock market, workouts? Have a normal conversation.
• Their personality and needs are in many ways unchanged. Treat them as you normally would.